Holy crap! She's gone vegan...

Yes, yes...it's true. I've gone vee to the gan.

This mystical transformation took place last weekend. When I ventured off to slumber on Saturday night I was wearing fuzzy pink pajama pants and a t-shirt; however, I awoke dreadlocked and covered in granola.

--I was confused--

Perhaps I was still dreaming - I must be lost in Wanderlust. I immediately began looking for a shirtless Justin Theroux to help me relax. But, as I started looking around, I wasn't in Wanderlust...I was in my house. I'm sure you can imagine my Theroux-less disappointment.

I managed to dust the granola off my shoulders and head downstairs. I plucked leaves of kale and spinach from a window garden (that, strangely, wasn't there yesterday, and somehow seemed to miraculously be flourishing even though it was 32 degrees outside). I stuffed the kale and spinach leaves with vegan holiness and devoured them there on the spot. Soon my belly was full of social elitism, decadently covered in hatred of the popular world around me. 

I was now ready to start my day. I slapped on my sandals, tossed a burlap sack over my shoulder, and headed to the farmer's market.

Okay, so maybe it didn't really happen like that. 

For realsies, I had not eaten meat for a while and thought I was good with where I was at. Eggs, dairy, grains, and veggies - while not for everyone, was more than adequate for me.The vegan thing was something I had kicked around in my head from time to time, but other than that, it was really just an afterthought.

If you've read my previous post, you would know that I'm an information whore. Through the grand will of my Amazon Prime membership, I can access countless documentaries that allow me to fill my head with facts that will subsequently grant me the ability to spout useless knowledge at random passersby, making me feel superior, while everyone in a 3 mile radius is destined to loathe my existence. Anyway, one of those documentaries was Vegucated, a sociological experiment that takes three meat loving New Yorkers on a 6-week quest to adopt a vegan lifestyle. 

The premise alone was enough to suck me in (there were words and thoughts, that's pretty much all it takes); however, in addition to 3 people changing their diets, the narrator, Marissa Miller Wolfson, also gave them a guided tour through the principles of veganosity (real word? maybe.)...the most paramount component being animal processing facility footage....bum BUM BAAAAH! 

I have learned a little in my 31 years, most recently that the mass production of food is reprehensible and once animals become involved it is absolutely deplorable - including my 'go-to' eggs and dairy. I always understood this, which is why I have made it a practice to purchase pastured beef, chicken, pork, eggs, and dairy - locally, when available. 

Suffice it to say, the few clips of footage shown was tough. Tough like sobbing as hardcore as the day Dave Kelly broke up with me in the seventh grade. (We were serious. I had doodled Courtney Kelly on at least four of my notebooks and named our imaginary kids. Those were the best 6 days of middle school.) That explanation should be enough to highlight the gravity of how this footage moved me. 

I came to the realization that, when it came to food, I wanted no part of the animal game. I mentally could not make exceptions for these practices through rationalizing how I procured my family's food. 

And that was it. Sunday came and I was vegan.

The point to this whole diatribe is this: vegan is not what you think it is. It isn't living in Wanderlust , rolling in granola with Justin Theroux. (Trust me, if it was, I would've made this move long ago.) I'll still make my family the things they want to eat (meat, eggs, and cheese included) to a healthful extent, of course.

And me? Well, I'm still the same loser I was before, but with spirulina and flax. I'm still gonna dump a bag of tortilla chips directly onto my belly and snack away while watching the premiere of the Real Housewives of New Jersey in June and not feel guilty at all. 

When it's all said and done...If Bill Clinton is going to herald the vegantry, I'll sign up for that monarchy.