Who the hell am I fooling?

For, what is likely the hundredth time, I've set off on my venture to write this damn blog. Seriously, how many times have you perused through someone else's blahblitty blah blah and said to yourself, "Well I can fuckin' do that!" ? Yea, me too...incessantly.

I'm fairly certain that, everyday that I have sat down at this computer, I've thought, "Wow, maybe I should take some time to blog," then, without reservation, I shake my head and start googling who Kim Kardashian divorced this week. 

What the is the fucking deal with motivation?

Really...what is it? Everyone (myself included here) can ramble on endlessly about how hard they're gonna rock their next workout or follow along with some wack-a-doo diet plan that prevents cancer, obesity, and bad decisions. Oh, and my favorite, how they are totally gonna start devoting more time to charity and spend less time yelling at their children and secretly hating their families. Inevitably, countless hours are spent behind a screen, updating Facebook statuses and 'liking' motivational pictures that reassert one's new found fanaticism of greatness, re-tweeting Dalai Lama quotes, and 'pinning' a metaphorical to-do list that outlines the next 50 years.

By the time you're done, you're fucking beat. Good night! Only to wake up the next morning, clouded by your socially progressive hangover, scratching your head, and wondering what the hell happened. So you start scrolling through your status updates and realize that you just have to perpetuate your no good, lying existence through the use of more convoluted lies and bullshit.

The cycle never ends...
(it kinda reminds me of this Jenna Marbles take on dieting ) 

For some reason, we validate ourselves by others perceiving that we actually give a shit. 

Wouldn't it be nice, just for once, to not care what other people thought? Kinda like, "Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure buffet etiquette also includes taste-testing directly off the serving spoons," or "Yes, I do think that a lime green velour track suit is perfectly acceptable attire for the board meeting." 

We all eat food that falls on the floor and stick our fingers up our noses. Behind closed doors, we're pretty damn close to being the same person...give or take a few levels of crazy. Keeping up some ruse that we're motivated to do all these wonderful things after working all day, cleaning the house, helping with homework, driving to soccer, grocery shopping, making lunches, doing laundry, doing yard work, cooking meals, and not losing your mind whilst doing do, is fucking ridiculous.

Unfortunately, we'll all continue on our track to appear to be the best human being possible, all while trying not to look awkward while holding in a fart. 

Might wanna get that spoonful of sugar, just to help this all go down...

I guess, before we go any further in this blog relationship, I should tell you a little something about me. 

In short, I'm awesome. Really, just ask anyone that is required to agree via birth, blood lines,  marriage, and court order. Outside this realm, however, you'll most likely get a different response.

Unfortunately, I know everything...and if I don't I will bullshit with enough big words and convoluted theory to make you feel like you've been wrong about everything your entire life. But I will follow always it up with a compliment, so the whole thing will be a little bit easier to swallow.

Example:

My Brother: "I'm not adopted, let it go."

Me: "You're totally adopted. Do a genotype Punnet Square!"

My  Brother: "What the fuck is a Punnet Square?"

Me: "Are you serious? A Punnet Square is only the leading method biologists use to predict an offspring's genotype! Mendelian inheritance...it's basic genetics. Unfortunately for you, the dominant alleles of hair color aren't in your favor. Red hair is a recessive genetic mutation, occurring in 1% of the total population...sorry bro, time to find your real parents. Wow, those are pretty awesome shoes, are they new?

See what I did there? I have no clue what the hell I'm talking about, but I pulled some 7th grade life science on his ass. When your credibility as a know-it-all is on the line, you can't hold back in light of hurt feelings or mental breakdowns. (write that down). 

The reason I can argue with such ridiculousness is because I'm a perpetual student. I hate school, but I love to learn stuff. I've been a full time college student for what seems like eternity, chasing degrees in a wide variety of fields, just for the sake of doing so. Fortunately, I have my GI Bill to fuel my addiction. 

Seriously though, the titles of who I am are standard, I'm a mom (of 2 great little guys), a wife (to an old man!), a daughter (with the awesomest parents), a veteran (which I wear with pride), and generally tired (as in, I'd like to sleep more). 

My perpetual goal is to, each day, become a better mother than I was the day before. I love my two little boys dearly and want to be the best momma I can be. I do the absolute best I can by them, but I'm a work in progress.

As a disclaimer, I suffered a bit of a head injury just shy of a year ago, bits and pieces of my memory come and go, sometimes I use the wrong words because my noggin isn't making the connections, so if my rantings seems a bit off kilter, this is most likely to blame. Or I'm drunk.

As much of a disaster as it can be at times, I love my life...I'm looking forward to getting to know you (and myself) a little bit better as we move forward. 

Punching the throat puncher...

As far back as I can remember, 
Okay, I should just stop right there, cause I’m a huge liar….

As far back as two years ago, I started (intended) to write this blog. In my head I was witty and creative, so much so that I had amassed a wildly growing population of blog lovers who followed me everywhere, and at times even carried me on their shoulders, cheering my inherent awesometicity. I was legitimately the coolest person I had ever thought of…and I can feel you being jealous of me right now, even at your thought of how amazing I had become.

Suffice it say, I created this page and subsequently life got in the way. It’s kind of ironic really, because that is what I intended upon writing about…

Then, right around Christmas time 2011, I was forwarded a link to a blog written by a woman who was about to become my first ever arch-nemesis. The feeling was invigorating, I’ve never had a nemesis before, it was exciting to have finally found one.

Needless to say, this bitch stole my idea, she crawled into my head and ripped it out…I needed to know how she found me. I immediately enlisted the support of all my invisible connections and nonexistent resources, determined to figure this whole debacle (yes, debacle) out.

I started my counter-intelligence operation without delay, I decided to ‘like’ the blog on Facebook, and feverishly stalk her web page (this didn’t really happen). It turns out, we have no common ties, or she just did one hell of a job covering her tracks. I’m sticking with the latter.

Then, I thought, maybe the government was involved. Maybe I was a valuable asset and needed to write a blog, but because I was so valuable, they channeled another person to write it through my thoughts. In fact, that had to be it. The government had a puppet blogger, operating through my thoughts…

But wait, if that is the case, then my arch-nemesis is myself.

Crap.

*Disclaimer: Throat punch connoisseur, Kansas Jenny (a name that no one calls her), is part genius, part totally human momma. She set out to do something that I really wish I could have done a long time ago – make people laugh at the utter insanity/ridiculousness that is life and put the shit part of things into perspective. Unfortunately for me, I’m part totally human momma, part control freak, and am too busy reigning order over my surrounding environment. (Controlling the universe isn’t as easy as one would think). So, this will probably be the last thing I post on here, but Kansas Jenny, you motivated me to write. You motivated me to write about you and how stinkin’ cool you are. But wait, if I’m writing about how cool you are, then I’m actually writing about myself and how cool I am. Ah, now it all makes sense...