Ultimate Reset, pre-kickoff

After dropping some serious coin on the Ultimate Reset and Shakeology I began to mentally prepare for what was to come...after I shook the ominous sounds of banging drums and visions of thunder and lightning out of my head, I began to think clearly.

I wanted to give myself a primer...okay, I lie. I wanted to give myself the opportunity to enjoy Thanksgiving and my son's 5th birthday without worrying that I was outside the confines of some 'routine.' 

But this is good...jumping right into things, especially things that really change the shape of how you go about your day (every day) doesn't work - you need a window of preparation...which is exactly what I had.

If you're planning on making a change, you need to take the time to really think about what you're doing

I had time to really read through the materials and learn about each step of the Reset. I had time to understand the meal preparations and, subsequently, learn about what modifications I could make that would be amenable to both myself and the program. 

I don't eat meat and I eat very little dairy. This comes as a shock to most people. Why? Because I'm not a twig, I've got some meat (okay, a lot of meat) on my bones. There is this assumption that being a vegetarian or a vegan means you are generally healthy and fit. Well, for the record, there is no dairy in potato chips and Oreos are considered vegan. Does my jiggly stature make sense now?!?! 

Preparation

So back to the preparation bit...I worked out which meals would be best for me for the first week and then I made a shopping list. I scoured the manual that accompanies the Reset package to make sure I wasn't leaving anything out, and then I went to the store. 

This is what my night looked like

Lots of prep work and lots of cooking. I also doubled a dressing recipe and pre-baked 3 sweet potatoes. My fridge is packed.

The night before

So last night, prior to hitting the rack, I set aside the necessary supplements needed for the day. The Reset includes a handy case to carry this stuff along in, it has a couple velcro pill slots also, which I like. I also set up alerts in my phone to correspond with the necessary components of the Reset.

This is it folks...it's about to go live! 

My Ultimate Reset

**Flashback**

"I fondly recall the days where I could slide those size 2 jeans on like they were cut just for me, the button easily snapped closed, and there was even room to spare. Now putting on jeans involves a small team of polymer engineers and at least two crane operators. The laws of physics are firmly tested and subsequently defied each time I manage to pull denim over these thighs. Once I manage to actually get them buttoned, I have to wait at least 15 minutes before attempting to breathe or walk up a flight of stairs. After it all settles (by 'it' I mean all the extra skin, fat, and cellulite that adorns my body), I cover what I can with an oversized sweater and then live in an overly aggressive state of self-consciousness until I am able to get myself back into a sassy pair of sweatpants and hide within the confines of my own home until daylight strikes again."

Present Day

So yea, I wrote that shit over 11 months ago...you know what I've done since then to fix it? Yep, nottafugginthing. In fact, I got fatter. If I strip down right now, I can point out which cellulite dimples are from all the Kit Kats I stole from my sons trick or treat bag or the ice cream that I buy "just for my husband" and secretly pig out on when he leaves for work. I heart shitty food. Strike that, I actually eat great all day...but then the night rolls in. I'm like a werewolf, but more like a pig. And I don't need a full moon to release my inner pig, any moon will do.

I am at the point in my life where I have to tuck my stomach into my pants. 

Really, I just tuck that shit right in.

What now?

In the past I've written about working out (something that I used to do EVERY FRIGGIN DAY!) and I just can't muster up the willpower to do it. I've started and stuck to things for a week or two, then fallen right back. I've managed to lose and gain the same friggin ten pounds all year. But now I need to make a real change. 

The Ultimate Reset

I've read about Beachbody's Ultimate Reset for a while now, never really able to spend the money on it. But it seemed like something that would be worth it, if I could afford it. Over the last year I've developed gnarly acid reflux, like wicked gnarly. I've never had that before, which no doubt means my copious layers of lumpy grossness are to blame...the shit that I continue to shove in my gourd probably isn't helping either. This program is rumored to reduce acidity and contribute to better digestion, something I desperately need. It is also, essentially, 'resets' your system...bringing you back to a healthy place. I clearly need that too. And rumor has it I could lose a couple pounds along the way. Win-friggin-win if you ask me. 

So I caved, I figure the shit that I'm doing isn't doing me any favors, and my health is pretty damn important. I bought the Reset and a sack of vegan Chocolate Shakeology. My kickoff date is December 1st...here's hoping I get back to where I was...or even better.

Is there some Newtonian law that I missed where it states that, no matter where you work, there must be one person who will exceed at sucking, soaring to incalculable levels of suckdom?

I'm pretty sure we've all been obscenely angry or hurt before and we've all seen or heard this advice at some point in our life - write them a letter, tell them how you feel, but don't send it. 

Does that shit really work?

Their World

Once you tear that piece of paper up and start moving on with your life, do you miraculously forget about all the bullshit the next time you see that person? Does it play out like some slow motion movie scene, you're each running toward one another, arms open, and ready to reconnect?

My World

 I dunno. If it were to play out like that for me, they'd be running directly toward the heel of my foot (which would preferably connect to their face). But again, that's just me.  

  Just the thought of a good face kick brings a smile to my face...

What is the deal with being a suck monger anyway?

Really, what the frig is it? Do people just wake up in the morning and decide that they are going to be dealers of suck? Or does sucking run much deeper, perhaps the members of the Suck Guild are they just born that way? This is ground breaking shit right here, this is the choice versus genetics discussion we should be having.

I think where this runs deepest, however, is in the office (or in the field, at the plant, or wherever the hell it is that you work).

I'm sure everyone can identify with having at least one asshole in the office (or maybe to even being the asshole, if you're up to coming to terms with that). I can confidently state that, out of the three permanent personnel in my office, we have a staunch asshole population that sits right around 66%. Basically, the bullshit to sanity ratio is a bit overwhelming.

What I find hysterical though is that I cannot identify who the bigger dillweed is, depending upon the day, the alignment of the planets, and how tight my underwear is, it could go either way. I guess if I had to find the benefit in it all, it's that the asshole Suck Guild keeps me on my toes. The problem with that is, their assholishness never stops surprising me either.

Just when I thought you couldn't be a bigger dick, there you go proving me wrong...

I was actually hung up on by a co-worker today...I repeat, hung up on. I immediately had flashbacks to the 10th grade when Shmessica Shmeikel (name poorly changed to loosely protect the idiot involved) called me to scream about how she was dating my ex now and that I needed to stay away from him, followed by lots of hysterics, then an actual click (you don't get those anymore, damn cell phones). A totally unnecessary situation, seeing as he was my ex for a reason, I was more than happy to oblige. None the less, this was 10th grade, not Grown-up Ville where people with real lives and responsibilities live. 

It went down like this, the supreme governing body of my agency aggressively requested some information, the data of which I am not directly involved. So, as a responsible employee, I contacted to person who maintains this data...apparently asking someone to do their job is highly offensive. The call basically ended the same way it did with Jessica, I mean Shmessica, and the aftermath was just as confusing. 

While this member of the office Suck Guild fulfills her suck responsibilities with gusto, even this surpassed her normal range of absolute douchery. Ultimately, I had to call the supreme leader back and find an adult way to tell him that the individual who coordinates that data was unable to assist. Oh how I would have loved to have highlighted what had transpired, but alas, this is what being a responsible adult is all about - getting walked all over like a urine soaked NYC subway grate. Ultimately, an important lesson to revisit and teach my kids. 

I think, as time goes, I may have to delve a little bit more into the Suck Guild and its members, it sure would make for some solid amusement (at least for me). Until then...

Oh the irony!

So if you read yesterday's post, then you are well aware of my pathetic level of excitement about starting a new workout program. 

Really, I couldn't have been more excited. Which is good, because my tubby existence is facing some serious issues lately - I lose my breath just by taking a breath, lifting my arms above my shoulders is now considered grunt work (fortunately I haven't had to do much of this since boot camp), but the worst part is that my overloaded ass literally affects my ability to maintain a normal pace while walking anywhere. The only time I can manage get myself going at a decent speed is when I hear the microwave 'ding'. Okay, that's not entirely true...okay, it is. 

So after the empowering moments spent writing yesterday's blog, working myself up into a cyclone of exercise excitement, all fueled by the amazing thoughts of no longer having my underwear cut off my circulation - I got an email. 

WHAT THE F?&$!!!

Without explanation or even a shred of apology, my hard earned coin that was intended for my "Body Revolution" had been refunded. With that, my dreams of a less lumpy body shattered. 

The room got dark and things got quiet - it all got me thinking...the whole life and its hurdles business, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and all of the other cliches that follow suit. Apparently, you are able to get in shape without this program. So, instead of forking over $80 bucks to purchase it from a reputable website, I decided to forgo my body revolution and opt for a more obtainable method - bootleg versions posted on YouTube from sources of ill repute.

So take that, life!

For what it's worth, I managed to stay within my 'target calorie range' yesterday and I didn't die...so I guess anything is possible.