Oh the irony!

So if you read yesterday's post, then you are well aware of my pathetic level of excitement about starting a new workout program. 

Really, I couldn't have been more excited. Which is good, because my tubby existence is facing some serious issues lately - I lose my breath just by taking a breath, lifting my arms above my shoulders is now considered grunt work (fortunately I haven't had to do much of this since boot camp), but the worst part is that my overloaded ass literally affects my ability to maintain a normal pace while walking anywhere. The only time I can manage get myself going at a decent speed is when I hear the microwave 'ding'. Okay, that's not entirely true...okay, it is. 

So after the empowering moments spent writing yesterday's blog, working myself up into a cyclone of exercise excitement, all fueled by the amazing thoughts of no longer having my underwear cut off my circulation - I got an email. 

WHAT THE F?&$!!!

Without explanation or even a shred of apology, my hard earned coin that was intended for my "Body Revolution" had been refunded. With that, my dreams of a less lumpy body shattered. 

The room got dark and things got quiet - it all got me thinking...the whole life and its hurdles business, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and all of the other cliches that follow suit. Apparently, you are able to get in shape without this program. So, instead of forking over $80 bucks to purchase it from a reputable website, I decided to forgo my body revolution and opt for a more obtainable method - bootleg versions posted on YouTube from sources of ill repute.

So take that, life!

For what it's worth, I managed to stay within my 'target calorie range' yesterday and I didn't die...so I guess anything is possible. 

Who the hell am I fooling?

For, what is likely the hundredth time, I've set off on my venture to write this damn blog. Seriously, how many times have you perused through someone else's blahblitty blah blah and said to yourself, "Well I can fuckin' do that!" ? Yea, me too...incessantly.

I'm fairly certain that, everyday that I have sat down at this computer, I've thought, "Wow, maybe I should take some time to blog," then, without reservation, I shake my head and start googling who Kim Kardashian divorced this week. 

What the is the fucking deal with motivation?

Really...what is it? Everyone (myself included here) can ramble on endlessly about how hard they're gonna rock their next workout or follow along with some wack-a-doo diet plan that prevents cancer, obesity, and bad decisions. Oh, and my favorite, how they are totally gonna start devoting more time to charity and spend less time yelling at their children and secretly hating their families. Inevitably, countless hours are spent behind a screen, updating Facebook statuses and 'liking' motivational pictures that reassert one's new found fanaticism of greatness, re-tweeting Dalai Lama quotes, and 'pinning' a metaphorical to-do list that outlines the next 50 years.

By the time you're done, you're fucking beat. Good night! Only to wake up the next morning, clouded by your socially progressive hangover, scratching your head, and wondering what the hell happened. So you start scrolling through your status updates and realize that you just have to perpetuate your no good, lying existence through the use of more convoluted lies and bullshit.

The cycle never ends...
(it kinda reminds me of this Jenna Marbles take on dieting ) 

For some reason, we validate ourselves by others perceiving that we actually give a shit. 

Wouldn't it be nice, just for once, to not care what other people thought? Kinda like, "Excuse me, but I'm pretty sure buffet etiquette also includes taste-testing directly off the serving spoons," or "Yes, I do think that a lime green velour track suit is perfectly acceptable attire for the board meeting." 

We all eat food that falls on the floor and stick our fingers up our noses. Behind closed doors, we're pretty damn close to being the same person...give or take a few levels of crazy. Keeping up some ruse that we're motivated to do all these wonderful things after working all day, cleaning the house, helping with homework, driving to soccer, grocery shopping, making lunches, doing laundry, doing yard work, cooking meals, and not losing your mind whilst doing do, is fucking ridiculous.

Unfortunately, we'll all continue on our track to appear to be the best human being possible, all while trying not to look awkward while holding in a fart.